Don't Apologize, My Love
by thecastielofsuburbia
Summary: Castiel loved Dean. He really did. But ever since the deal with Crowley, things have changed. Ah, the letter. Ah, the photograph. Ah, his sweet Dean. He was sorry. He was at his knees.


_Don't Apologize, My Love._

_A/N: Hi. This is my first fanfic ever and idk be gentle please? :3 _

_**Setting: Season 6**_

_**One-shot**_

_Dear Castiel,_

This is Dean's letter to me before I left that night. I meant, _they_ left. They trapped me in holy fire and left me. On the way out, Dean slipped it in my coat. His eyes were disappointed but still full of hope.

_Cas, I know that you're planning something with Crowley. I also know you pulled Sam out of the pit. I'm asking myself why and I'll wait for your answer. I don't know what your plan is and your reasons, but it's with Crowley and it can't be good. Come on, Cas. Snap out of it._

_I can't snap out of it, _I thought to myself. Heaven is in utter disarray. Us angels, we do not have free will. We were created to follow. Father left, and no one is to rule Heaven. Ever since Crowley brought up that I can lead the angelic garrisons, it has been my goal to dismiss Raphael's plan to take over Heaven. I shall rule Heaven, and _no one else will._

I crumpled Dean's letter involuntarily and stuffed it in my coat. I have no time being sentimental over the humans in my care.

_**Three weeks later.**_

There is a ringing in my ears. A very faint voice calling out my name. It is a familiar voice, a voice I have learned to love. I know I must answer this call, then I saw a man; a man I loved dearly.

"Dean. Why have you called for me?"

"We need to talk about this, Cas." Dean was sitting on the bed, looking at me with those emerald orbs stained with pain. When I look in his eyes, I see his soul—it is broken and dark, with a gaping hole in the center. It is rough and torn, mutilated and bleeding. I have always wished to fix him, and I still do.

"What should we discuss, Dean?"

"You. Crowley. Purgatory. Cas, why?" his eyes looked at me with fear at my next words. I froze at the words;_Purgatory. Why._ Oh, Dean. I am sorry, but you know I must.

Inside, he was screaming. Screaming at me. _"No, Cas. Please! Stay!"_ I know Dean can never say this out loud and I have fully accepted that fact, but it hurts to see him smile despite all these inner arguments and cries for help.

"It is none of your concern. I assure you, though, that everything will be—"

"Okay? Cas. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Sam and Bobby won't even say your name! They've stopped trusting you. You're not you anymore. I don't even know who _you_ are now. Cas. What happened?" his soul shouted _"What happened between us?"_ Oh, Dean. I am sorry, but you know I can never turn back.

"Heaven needs a new leader. Raphael will start the apocalypse again. Sam's suffering in Hell with Lucifer and Michael, will be in vain. Please understand. I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you!"

"For me?! What the friggin' hell will this do for me, Cas! You're going to open fucking Purgatory! You don't know how risky it is!"

"I do, Dean. I know very well."

"Then why won't you turn away?!" The moonlight shone through the window and illuminated Dean's face. It was crinkled with anger and sorrow; he really wanted me to turn away. Oh, Dean. I am sorry, but you know all my reasons.

"Because I have to, Dean. I have risked everything for you. Why can't I risk myself for my own sake?" I stepped closer to Dean, my hands clenching an old, small photograph. Oh, I must have taken it from my coat when I got too caught up with my thoughts. It was a photograph of me, Dean, Sam, Bobby, Ellen and Jo. For once, I had a family. I saved it from the fire even when Bobby tried to burn it. It made me feel safe, this old photograph. It made me remember what it was like to love and care for the beings I loved. … I am drifting away from the matter at hand. I looked infuriated, but it was entirely false. I just did not want Dean to see me weak.

"You'll die, Cas."

"What does it matter." I blurted out suddenly. Oh, Dean. I am sorry, but you know I am broken too.

"What do you mean what does it fucking matter?! Cas, I almost died for you!"

"Dean." I could not stand seeing him like this. I looked down to the ground, hoping to find something happy and warm.

"Come on, Cas! Can't you friggin' see that?! That… that I love you?" My head perked up, while his fell; the way mine did a moment ago. _I always knew, Dean._

I cupped his face with my hands, oh, my broken soul of a man. Please smile.

He always loved me, my sweet Dean. He stared up at me and pressed his lips onto mine. It was always one of those things that were always so magical. I would keep them in box if I could, to cherish forever.

He rested his head on my shoulder. I stroked his hair, wanting him to calm down.

"Please, Cas. Please stay. I want to stay like this forever. With you. I'll do anything to be with you for eternity. Turn away, Cas. It's not too late. We can make things right." He looked up at me with hopeful eyes. Oh, Dean. I am sorry, but things can never be okay.

I kissed his forehead and whispered softly in his ear. "Sleep, rest now. Don't worry. I love you, always and forever. To the end of time. To the stars and back. To infinity and beyond. To hell and back."

"I love you, too. Just as much, or even more."

"I know, Dean. I'll always remember." As Dean turned to me and smiled, I put two fingers on his forehead and put him to sleep.

I pulled out his letter, straightened it out, and put out a pen.

_It doesn't matter what my reasons are, Dean. I'll be okay. I love you. Always remember that. I have spent lifetimes on this earth, and I promise you—I will never forget you. Love, Cas._

As I folded it, I looked over and over again at what I wrote. Ah, guilt. This feeling keeps haunting me.

Suddenly, Dean starts talking. I remembered I haven't finished his letter yet and began at where I left off last time. I was at the last line, when Dean started reciting it—like a crystal clear memory.

"_Please stay, Cas. I need you here. Don't leave. You can turn back and things will be okay again. I know it will because I'll do everything for it. For you. Please. I love you."_

There was heartbreaking pain is his voice.

Oh, Dean. I am sorry, but you know this love can never be.  
I'm sorry for loving you, you should have never loved me.

"Goodbye, Dean." And then I left. This is the end of what used to be.


End file.
